2008-01-24 - 7:36 p.m.
ok so its been forever long since ive been back here. but lately a lot of stuff has happened and i just need a place to go to and vent without judgment and here i feel safe.
omar and i have been fighting a lot these days and what starts it is the fact that he puts me down so much. he also doesnt like to take my word on a lot of things even just simple stuff and that makes me feel like he doesnt value my opinion or anything else ive got to say.
just recently i confessed to him that sometimes he makes me feel so bad about myself that i get suicidal. that was a huge step for me because i tend to lock things up. but i wanted to come clean and i think that that reality check of how he makes me feel has really helped him change the way he talks to me. i felt like i needed to tell someone else too and thats why i came here.
last week in fact i was really scared i was going to do something destructive to myself and omar wasnt there to help. all i wanted was for him to hold me and utter the words "its ok" in my ear. but he was too drunk off his ass from a kickback we went to when all i wanted to do was go to dinner like planned and go home and take my cold medicine (ive got a bad cold right now). he passed out so hard when we got home my loud sobbing and rough shaking didnt wake him up. and in the morning he was oblivious to what happened or how i felt.
and just like last weekend we had a long
talk and made up and he said things would change and he was sorry. but this time he also said that he was going to need help being a better person. for me and for himself. he never wants to get drunk like that again or drunk period. and he needs my help to tell him when hes had too much. and i need to help him also by telling him when he hurts me or when ive got some bad feelings about something either one of us is doing.
i think things really will change. i love him so much. and our lives (careers, family, etc) are all just falling in place now. hes now a certified emt and looking for a job with
the mccormic(west med) ambulance company. ive got a permanent job now instead of the seasonal position i had applied for and damien (our son who we've kept out of our mess of emotions) is now 6 months old and becoming a crutial part of our family.
now after youve read this please dont judge me. these are just a bunch of thoughts and emotions. i really dont know if i could do anything harmful to myself. i know the concequences and the hurt id cause my family. i think partly why i feel this way sometimes is because im such a private person and dont speak up a lot of the time. im working on it-believe me. i just need some where to vent. and be supported.
thank you
